What a tease!

Where the hell have I been? Good question. Wrapping up an old, crappy job, starting a new job at which finding my desk made for a successful second day, getting ready to go to Alabama to be in a wedding this weekend.... More to follow, I promise, including the Big B.I.G. News, heretofore unannounced on this blog, which shall change Life As We Know It.

Have a lovely holiday weekend, may you not have to hock your jewelry for gas money.

First Saturday in May

Yesterday was the Kentucky Derby, and here I was, stuck in Indianapolis. Sure, I had great friends visiting and had a wonderful time, but still, it hurt knowing I was missing the party.

My sister sent me an e-mail Friday morning saying she was leaving work at 1:30 to get started. She was probably 1 of about 5 people working in Louisville that day (Oaks Day) anyway. Friday night I got a joyous message from a friend who was standing outside in the rain watching the B52's and having a great time anyway.

Because no one can prove who I am when I write this, I will say it loud and proud--the Kentucky Derby is the only race in May that matters. That's right, the Indianapolis 500 sucks. This year's Derby wasn't the best--Big Brown's trainer is an ass and the euthanasia of Eight Belles is downright tragic, but the overriding fact remains: Compared to the Derby, the 500 is little more than a souped-up demolition derby. And here are the Top 10 reasons why:

10) The Derby Festival customarily kicks off 2 weeks before the race with a all-day air show and fireworks extravaganza on the riverfront. Beer flows freely and the Chow Wagon opens in all its deep-fried meat-on-sticks glory.

By contrast, the 500 Festival kicks off--on Derby Day, no less--with a freaking 13-mile foot race. What the fuck? How is anybody supposed to celebrate anything while or after running 13 miles? What part of "Festival" do these people not understand?

9) In general, the Derby Festival includes far more events that not only encourage, but really revolve around, sitting in a lawn chair drinking beer. Take the Great Steamboat Race, for instance. Nevermind that the "race" is clearly fixed judging by the near-even win-loss record when one of the boats is about 50 times larger than the other. Have you ever seen steamboats move? "Lightning-fast" is not an adjective one would use to describe steamboat motion. The purpose is really to provide an excuse to sit on the riverbank for a couple of hours and yes, drink some beer.

The closest the Indy folks can come up with is the tortoise race at the Zoo. Not only does the big tortoise always win, but you have to pay zoo admission to watch it. And they don't serve beer.

8) Efficiency. According to a recent article in IBJ, the 500 Festival comes in just behind the Derby Festival in terms of size as measured by staff and budget. My question is, what in the sam hell are you people here in Indy doing with all that manpower and money if you're not coming up with events that people actually want to go to?

7) The Derby Festival parade doesn't charge people to sit in the bleacher seats, unlike the 500 Festival. Charging anyone to see a freaking parade--ever--is just wrong, wrong, wrong. And the Derby parade is on Thursday, meaning that if you work in downtown Louisville, it's not only recommended, but almost mandatory, to leave work early. Even if you don't watch the parade, you have no hope of getting out of downtown before nightfall otherwise.

6) The Spring Meet at Churchill Downs. In the weeks leading up to the Derby, it is customary to host "meetings" and entertain clients at the track. Sure, people do that in Indy, too, but in Louisville, they have real races going on, not just practice. And you can bet! AND, you don't have to freaking wear earplugs or risk permanent hearing loss.

5) For the entire week leading up to the Derby, the kind folks at the Festival there open up several Chow Wagons around town for those who want some company while they sit around and drink beer. Chow Wagons are nothing more than a fenced-off area of a parking lot, furnished with picnic tables and a fine assortment of fair food and American swill beer. Classic rock and country cover bands play at night. It's a scheme that keeps all the rednecks contained in a few small areas, which really benefits everyone.

4) The Kentucky Derby inspires people. To wit, the following excerpt from a column by Red Smith, the legendary sportswriter:

This is the week when dear little old ladies in Shawano, Wis., get to know about sports figures named Spectacular Bid and Flying Paster. Spectacular Bid and Flying Paster are thoroughbred race horses, and there are vast and sinless areas in this country where they and their like are regarded as instruments of Satan 51 weeks a year. Then comes the week of the Kentucky Derby, and sinless newspapers that wouldn’t mention a horse any other time unless he kicked the mayor to death are suddenly full of information about steeds that will run and the people they will run for at Churchill Downs on the first Saturday of May. In cities all over the land stenographers invest their silver in office pools, in cities and towns and on farms the sinless old ladies study the entries and on Saturday almost everyone tunes in on television.

I defy anyone to present anything as well-written about the Indianapolis 500. Go ahead, I dare you!

3) Race day. First of all, while races are run all day at Churchill Downs, the Run for the Roses is held at a hangover-friendly late-afternoon hour. More than once, personally, I've had to have someone wake me up so I wouldn't miss it. It's televised, and it lasts just over two minutes--the perfect length of time for an attention-deficit drunk. When the race comes on, everyone at the party gathers around a television, screams, yells and shouts, then quickly goes back to their lawn chair and resumes drinking.

The Indy 500, on the other hand, requires one to drag one's ass to the track at an ungodly early morning hour if one hopes to catch a glimpse of it live, since the penny-pinching bastards refuse to televise it. And then there's the earplugs factor again. And it lasts, what, like 10 hours or something? Honestly, who can give a crap about anything for that long?

2) Betting on the Derby is not only legal, it's its raison d'etre.

1) Aesthetics. The Kentucky Derby is an explosion of tradition, color and beauty. Jockeys attired in artistic silks sit atop gleaming thoroughbreds that prance through a sea of tulips, all hoping to wear the blanket of roses in the winner's circle. The stands are filled with smiling people dressed in the finest haberdashery--dresses, hats, colorful silk ties--sipping a cool refreshing bourbon drink.

The Indy 500: Oy vey. An explosion of sunburnt flab, misshapen tattoos, underwear as outwear, and crushed Bud Light cans. Maybe it's just me, but I know which crowd I'd rather spend a day with.