Pregnancy Fun Fact #63

“Pregnancy can make skin tags and moles change and/or grow. Skin tags are small tags of skin that may appear for the first time or may grow larger during pregnancy. Moles may appear for the first time during pregnancy, or existing moles may grow larger and darken during pregnancy.” --Your Pregnancy Week by Week

And suddenly, there was discomfort and chafing where none had been before. That's all I'm sayin'.

So I went to a dermatologist earlier this week to have what felt like a few bits of sandpaper removed. The dermatologist seemed to be slightly uncomfortable with the prospect of removing moles from a part of the body that, I'm guessing, dermatologists rarely have the need to examine, much less perform excisions on. Apparently his solution was to share the discomfort.

There I was, in the office chair, barely covered and in a most indelicate position, when the dermatologist started probing more than my skin. It was the most unpleasant experience I’ve had with a man between my legs since I was married.

“So…..twins. Were you taking fertility treatments?”

WTF? First of all, it’s not like there’s 6 of them. Second of all, isn’t that kind of like accusatorily asking a cancer victim if they smoked? "No."

“Didn’t your chart say you’re divorced? Are they the ex-husband’s?”

Oh, no he didn’t. I started incredulously at the ceiling. “Um, no.”

“Oh! Whose are they?”

“It’s probably best not to go there.”

“How are you going to take care of two babies all by yourself?”

“Welfare and the charity of strangers.”

I wish that last one would have been my actual response. It wasn’t. Then again, it’s difficult to think of a snappy comeback when someone's holding a scalpel mere inches from your private parts.

How many more weeks till the aliens release my body?