I'm un-pickling!

I've worked out four times in the past 10 days.

The dogs have been walked regularly.

My diet has been loaded with fruits and vegetables, and whole grains.

Last Friday aside, I've drank with moderation and not smoked.

And already I'm starting to see results. As near as I can tell, my tonsils have been replaced with two baseballs, which are lodged in my throat and threatening to close off my voice box and airway. Any minute now, they're going to explode, which frankly would save me from what I'm pretty sure is pneumonia settling into my lungs.

Yeah, I'm really fucking glad I'm trying to be all healthy and shit.

I hear you skeptics out there, pointing out all the places I could have picked up germs. But consider this: The pain from the baseballs in my throat was enough to wake me up and send me to rummage through the medicine cabinet at 3 a.m. Every box of cold medicine I had expired at least a year ago. Why? Because on the Coffee, Beer, and Cigarette diet, I never got sick!

So really, screw all y'all and your germ-covered, antibody-killing "healthy life." Gimme a six-pack of Leinie's and some Kraft mac n' cheese, I got some teevee to watch.