mojo risin'

Maybe it's the cold weather, maybe it's the funk I've been in, maybe it's the 20 extra pounds I'm toting on and around my ass, but I just haven't been inclined to be very bad lately. My attitude about boys lately might best be summed up as "eh, whatever."

Friday night, I went with some friends to a great concert. I got all gussied up--for me, anyway--and pulled from my closet a skirt/blouse combo that miraculously managed to accentuate the curves and de-centuate the lumps. I'll be wearing that at least once a week now.

After the show, we were having a great time at the friendly neighborhood tavern when God* spoke to me. He said, "B.I.G., you've been good lately, maybe too good. Here's a little gift," and He gave me a gentle nudge.

I turned, and God* had placed a young, hot, foreign man on the barstool to my left. This man is not just hot, he's smoking hot. Should-be-dating-a-Brazilian-model hot. "I'm beginning to sweat, I can't see straight, and the left side of my body is twitching" hot.

Even though I'd already had 3 or 4 Guinness, it still took me a while to work up the nerve to talk to him. But I said to myself, "Self, God* has smiled upon you, you'd be an ingrate and a heathen to not take advantage of this opportunity."

The poor foreign boy was jet-lagged from his trip back from visiting a friend in Italy, which probably worked to my advantage because I think I looked a little blurry to him. He claimed he was so tired his "eyes are burning, and I feel like .... is it fainted or fainting? I know that's not very romantic, but there it is."

Is "romantic" really the word he meant to use there? Who cares? Saturday night my informant texted me that he was at the friendly neighborhood tavern again. The place was packed when I got there and I only talked to him for a few minutes, but that's OK. I'll be back.

In the meantime, I feel like myself again. I should make a commercial.

"I was feeling listless, bored, and tired," I'll say with a concerned look on my face. "And then I asked my bartender about Flirting. Now, I feel like I have my life back," as the camera cuts to a shot of me playing with a dog while a voiceover warns of side effects.

"Flirting may not be for everyone. Excessive Flirting is not recommended, especially with multiple partners simultaneously or if you are in a serious relationship. Studies show that Flirting while consuming alcoholic beverages increases the risks of waking up in a strange place, losing articles of clothing, and SRIs (Sex-Related Injuries). Consult your bartender or other qualified professional before attempting Flirting."

*I could be mistaken about which supernatural/spiritual force and/or Higher/Lower Power was actually at work there.